There has been a marked and drastic improvement in Steve's mood since the The Great Blowup of 2011 - although in this house we are never to speak of that night ever again. Any reference on my part to our big fight is met with a blank stare. He's remarkable that way. He is so good at denial that I swear he has the ability to almost entirely wipe the incident from his own mind. Gone. Sometimes I wish I could do that - instead of reliving it and rethinking it and second guessing and regretting.
He played in a soccer tournament all weekend this past weekend and stayed at his Mom's house. He went to a soccer party Saturday night. I was a single mom all weekend and by Sunday afternoon I was D.O.N.E. Tired and emotional and depressed that my weekend was gone and I didn't get any sort of break to reset myself. As hard as it was, I didn't take it out on him. I mean, he plays on a soccer team and there are commitments that go with that and the tournament was planned well in advance. But when it was all said and done on Sunday evening, I was in tears and told him that that was two weekends in a row that I suffered and didn't get to enjoy myself much. He said (in all earnest), "Why? What happened last weekend??"
Yesterday my dad came for a visit during the day. I was cleaning the house and while vacuuming I lifted up the area rug to clean under it and I said, "OH LOOK! Here's all Steve's problems!"
Steve came home for lunch and we all had lunch together. After Steve went back to work, my dad commented that he noticed a HUGE difference in Steve.
So it's real then. I'm not just imagining it because I want it so badly.
I'm doing my part to make things better too. I am actually listening to him tell me how his day was, or about what he read on some sports page, or about how his mom is doing. How can I complain that he never talks to me if I shut off just because he's not talking about what *I* want?
I'm working hard at not playing the part of the bitter, resentful twat. It hard because I'm really good at it, and I've always believed in investing in the natural talents that we're gifted with.
It feels good to be connecting again. It's so important to me. I'm scared that it's temporary. That it will fade, or that the next big catastrophe will hit soon and we'll be struggling through our next battle. For now though, I'm just so fucking happy to have a little peace and love that I'm soaking in every bit of it and doing everything in my power to hold on to it.